The Two Me

“What’s up there, Maurica?” my therapist noticed I was looking up and to my right. Um. Your curtain rod is drawing my eye and I want to redistribute those curtain rungs more equally.

She smiled. Nice try, kiddo. “Look again.” And then I could see a figure! It was me, laughing and twirling and skipping through golden fields of flowers, not a care in the world, perfectly in tune with the entirety of life. “What’s on the other side?” my therapist points to my upper left field of vision. Oh, drat. There she is, the STRIVING me. The me who is attempting to use her formidable power to DO. And she’s pissed! She’s frustrated that things aren’t going the way she thinks they should be going, on the timeline she thinks they should be moving. “What’s between them?” Well, shit. That there’s a mighty river, wide and rough and aiming right into my chest.  Continue reading

Symbolic Fencing

Symbolic Fencing at Guadalupe Beach

Symbolic Fencing at Guadalupe Beach

In retrospect, I can’t remember exactly where it was…Oso Flaco or Montaña de Oro? But hiking somewhere this summer I encountered a thin rope that was strung between a series of light-weight poles. Nothing that I couldn’t easily step over or that a mountain biker or horse couldn’t barrel through, and yet: there it was. Existing. Most interestingly, there was a sign attached to it that read “Symbolic Fencing” and an explanation of the delicate ecological system that was roped off behind it.

Hm. A symbolic fence. My companion and I had a good laugh at those two words together -we had never considered such a thing! I think the reason I can’t remember which  hiking trail features that sign is that every time I’ve hiked since then, I’ve laughed AGAIN at the hilarity and yet humanity of that sign. A symbolic fence! What a fascinating idea!

While the word play is interesting, I love the idea behind it. It’s a gentle reminder “Hey, girl. I know you could hop over me, but please don’t, I’m protecting something worth protecting.” Where else in our lives do we need symbolic boundaries?
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Triggered Anger

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill

Oh boy, have I been getting triggered lately! If you know me, to say that I’m going through a lot of changes in my life is an understatement. In all truth: we’re all going through a lot of changes right now. That’s just the reality of reality. But that doesn’t really help, now does it, when we’re slogging about in the mucky stuff? About a year ago one of my friends told me that Churchill quote above and it still strikes a chord. Although I wouldn’t call my current life situation hell exactly!

But I do get triggered sometimes, and that shows up for me as either anger or anxiety. I’ve become adept at expressing my anger on paper, and then burning it, and it’s a fascinating process to behold. There I am, furious, scribbling away almost unintelligably, flinging f-bombs left and right. The letters aren’t even addressed to a person, but a situation. But wait. What’s this? There is another “me” observing this all, my higher self. I feel her. She is unshakeable, serene, knowing, forgiving. And I know -I know!- that all of that anger I’m expressing on paper is really my doing. I have my part in everything. I have created my life. And everything that occurs in our lives exists to propel us to our next highest level of consciousness. 
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Desire as Gratitude

Manifesting is an interesting thing, isn’t it? Sometimes things seem to roll out so effortlessly, other times it’s wait, wait, wait. I observe my children manifest with great interest and I have been nothing short of amazed at the miracles of right timing that these kids have generated. Just recently, 5 year-old Ruthie wanted to sign up for ballet classes.  I heard her desire, and we talked about it, but I wasn’t seriously considering squeezing yet another commitment into our summer schedule. A week later I was signing my two middle kids up for art classes. Ruthie was still a year too young. To my surprise, I saw a ballet/jazz class for 5-7 year olds that was offered at the same exact time and day as one of my older children’s classes. Voilà! Dance for Ruthie. Neither of us saw that coming! There has been plenty of pirouetting around the house recently.
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Finding Peace in Paradise

As I post photos and observations of our Kauai trip on FaceBoook, Instagram and Twitter, I’m becoming aware that I only post the “positive.” If you know me, even just a little, you know that I’m an optimist to the nth degree. I’m just not one to complain or rant or share “negative” feelings. But make no mistake, dear friends, my life is crazy far from perfect. And perfection is not the impression I’d ever like to give. Sharing my recent processes through grief, fear, anger isn’t what I do. But maybe I should, every once in a while. We’re all working through our shit here, folks! We’re all responsible. With that in mind what I want to project out into the world is happiness, even in turmoil, and the promise of inner peace, even in uncertainty. Continue reading

Spot the Beliefs

Technology has not been super kind to me lately, which is somewhat of a drag since I’m starting this blog! Ha. First my phone died (and, by “died” I mean I left it on the roof of my car and then…ya know…drove off). So, I went to go buy a new one and my name wasn’t even on my own cell phone bill. I still don’t understand that one. Later that same day, driving home from the phone fiasco, my car’s check engine light started blinking at me. LOUDLY, if a button could yell. I brought it into my mechanic, who, within a day, diagnosed and fixed a computer problem.

Now that I think about it, things have been going just sorta wrong lately. Flossing my teeth one morning this week, a filling popped half out. I popped it back in. Yikes! I went to my dentist, and while she was replacing it, she discovered the adjacent filling was ALSO cracked. Two hours later, I had two new fillings and a numb right side of my face.

I could go on and you get the point.

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